Chapter 1: The Open Road

It was a particularly bright Monday April Morning (I know this very well as I was quite hungover at the time and nearly blinded) when myself and 4 companions loaded our gear into a rental car.


Whilst we had some delays, particularly our Kiwi counterpart forgetting his passport and home, and us having to back track for it (yes, thats right, it had nothing to do with my being an hour late and still drunk). After all delays had passed, and remaining hold ups rectified, it was onward and upward, out of dreary rainy (and just the previous night - snowy) Toronto. Headed for the warm and sunny, hot and sticky, land of booze and debauchery; New Orleans. First stop? Tennessee.

We pulled the fuck outta dodge, and were on our way from Toronto with great speed. Tennessee being approximately 13 hours from Toronto, a late start, and a non stop rain storm made getting there at all within one day to be a very ambitious goal. A goal that would only become more ambitious when paired with volatile driving conditions, an obscene amount of rainfall, the occasional thunderstorm and frequent pit stops.

Eventually somewhere in West Virginia, we pulled away for supper. Nothing fancy, nothing fantastic, just some side of the interstate Pizza Hut. How ever even in its mediocrity, Pizza Hut can have some wonders left for the weary traveler. A few bottles of beer, and some cheap dirty fast food, have seldom been so welcomed. And with the bill wrapped up, and a fairly lengthy chat with our local southern waitress about life in the south (which sounded almost stereotypical), it was back on the old dusty.

Finally with some good weather - no rain and warm air - windows down and fully bellies, things were back on the up and up. This of course lasted about 20 minutes till the weather conditions well back to shit, with some of the worst rain we'd seen all day. Now also facing the inevitable darkness of nightfall to boot. However amusement was still to be had, and interesting sights were to be seen. Such as the town of Hookersville, seemingly comprised of nothing but 2 gentlemens clubs across the interstate from one another. Needless to say I haven't been awake nights in deep contemplation as to how the town was named.

Now with darkness surrounding us, and terenchal rains slapping down on top of us, a certain somber befell us. We all knew what must be done. It was time to get beer! And with great speed we were off to fill our bellies with cheap, stale, gas station beer (barring the driver of course). And with new found spirits and just crossing the border into Tennessee, it was happy days again.

About an hour and a half we finally made our destination in Tennessee.

We wasted no time unloading the nights spread on the table.

From left to right; 2 litres of absolute vodka, 1 litre of Jim Beam Black, 1 litre of Lambs Navy Rum 75% (150 proof). Needless to say, it was a sloppy night with little sleep, and dirty feelings of shame on a liquor clouded mind. Ah fuck it, nothin a jaunty jig can't fix.




Ah now thats better. Now to see the town of Gatlinburg, followed by a gas station for the proper cure (beer and sparklin wine anyone?).

With a brief breakfast at a ihop, it was to get booze and hit the road. Another fairly ambitious day, goal, Jackson Mississippi.

Next up, part 2: I've got those hard travellin blues.

Special thanks to Denise Hughes and Anton Smolski for use of there photos, as well as Billy if the fucker ever uploads them for use!